I think the most important part of any evil enterprise, besides the uniforms, has to be the slogan. And since I plan to make my fortune by teaching MBA-level courses in villainship, let's take a look at this most important corporate process. Remember: this will be on the final exam. If you didn't realize that just by reading this paragraph you had automatically enrolled in the program, rest assured that your career in dominating villainy has just come to a screeching halt. The nice men in the matching jumpsuits will be arriving shortly with pamphlets entitled "Henching and You".

For the rest of you, Lesson One: Branding.

Grasping the end of the poker not currently in the fla---whoops, I tend to get the notes for these entries mixed up sometimes. No no, the first step toward an exemplary evil empire is the jumpsuits. After that, you need to form a coherent plan for how you'll present your enterprise to the world. Will you come right out and declare your nefarious intentions, or will you first cultivate an aura of respectability, user-friendliness and safety? Both methods have their merits, to be sure, but the latter tends to be a more popular route. Why? Because it's cost-effective. Nothing drains the operating fund faster than having to defend your island lair/castle/cubicle farm from UN forces on a monthly basis. And while I'll be the first to admit that there are potential ways around these little incursions ($10 in my Paypal tip jar and I'll tell you where the bribery course meets), when you first start down the long, lonely road to world domination, try to keep things simple. As every successful marketing imp will tell you: pick a direction and go with it.

Lesson Two: Drafting a Mission Statement

As you will learn in the advanced courses, the creation of mission statements, and specifically the mission-statement-creation process are both products of which the science of villainy are particularly proud. These slogans are effective, multi-purpose weaponry. Crisp, concise syllables like "All hail Microsoft" are easy to remember, leave the listener with no doubt as to your intentions, and can be heard clearly whilst chanted by legions of brainwashed minions. But the true beauty of the mission statement is the process which inevitably preceeds its creation. Nothing brings a bunch of non-profit, evil-squashing do-gooders to a screeching halt than trying to agree upon an all-inclusive, non-denominational slogan which covers all the aims of the organization. Use this weapon to its fullest advantage. For instance, you in your staid upright titan of industry persona could create a group tasked with looking into and defeating the shadowy missile-stealing, baby-seal-beating sweatshop-powered group with which you may or may not be affiliated. All you ask of them is that they come up with a mission statement that the whole gosh darn community can get behind! The Mission Statement Committee convenes, argues, disbands, regroups, sends a draft out for a company-wide group, is accused of cultural insensitivity, recruits representatives from the community for input, disbands again, regroups with new representatives and comes up with another draft. Lather, rinse and repeat, while you're free to collect national economies like so many penny souvenirs. Lesson Two, concluded.

Why yes, I have seen a few of the Bond movies. Why do you ask?