I mean, drink all you want, but at some point you really should start saying no to bad movies.

Finally finished Lost Voyage: two point five henchmen. The end was kind of a letdown, with not nearly enough screaming mothers and sad spectral children to present true nightmare possibilities. I think I'd have to watch it again to get all the little details the auteurs of this film were trying to cram in to a 90-minute SciFi original. And that's not going to happen.

Pinata: Survival Island: So there's this cursed pinata and an island full of coeds who--wow. Okay, let me come back to this one.

Lake Placid: This is an awesome movie about a giant crocodile eating its way through the Maine Fish and Game Department. Or it is unless you watch it on the SciFi channel, which chops out all the decent dialogue and all the severed heads. In case your delicate ears are harmed by Betty White (Rose from The Golden Girls) calling the sheriff "Officer Cocksucker", you're fine watching the SciFi channel version and thinking impure thoughts about evolution. Lake Placid: three and a half henchmen. Lake Flacid (SciFi Channel version): half a henchmen.

Day of the Dead: (one growling henchman). If you were the last woman on earth, surrounded by zombies, holed up in a military base-cum-RV-warehouse in Florida, would you think that now was an appropriate time to start a relationship? With one of your fellow survivors? You know, the one who needs continual sedation? If you answered no, you obviously were not in any of the script meetings for this movie. And by the way, if you're going to make a zombie movie, the makeup budget should be more than $12. Otherwise you will have green growling people (zombies) vs. pink growling people (insane survivors) and it will all get very confusing. Notable for: the mad scientist (named Logan) who keeps a pet zombie named Bub. Yes, Bub. Also, 6 seconds of amusement provided by the guy who tries to kill all the zombies with his golf cart. And he is so surprised when that doesn't work.

The Devil's Rain: (pile of dust) Satanists and William Shatner wearing wicker furniture do not mix. Or rather they do, but with disastrous results. Apparently John Travolta and Anton LaVey work their things in this film too, but I turned it off after 10 minutes. I may be evil but c'mon. Shatner in wicker? That's inhumane.

Pinata: Survival Island: Okay here we go, deep breath. One half henchman. Possessed pinata punishes pretty people in paradise. Yes, a pinata. Because ancient civilizations liked to party. Take one clay doll, fill it full of tortured souls (instead of candy), add underwear-collecting Greek system coeds, toss in a sprinkle of some Buffy personnel and bake. With the finest weed money can buy. Oh my stars and garters it's bad. All ethnic coeds are slaughtered. The pinata kills one dude by ripping his nards off, and I'm not sure I saw that act advancing the plot any. The one half henchman was earned by the actress playing the blonde in pigtails (and no, I couldn't catch all the names), for gibbering, rocking and drooling her way across the island after seeing a potential mate disemboweled by a small clay party favor. That smell? That's hot fresh talent in the wind.

House of Wax: Long before the classic Waxwork, or the less-classic Waxwork II: Lost in Time (also known as Gah! The Musical) there was the original tale of the wax museum as house of horror, the wax sculptor as madman. This is that tale. Unhinged, scarred waxmeister searches for something to spice up his creations; the secret ingredient he settles on? Soylent wax is people! His museum suddenly does a brisk business. It's old, it's classic, it's fantabulous. It was one of the first movies shot in 3D, even though the director was blind in one eye and couldn't appreciate the effect. Tons of things fly at the camera: axes, balls on a string, limbs. Not to be confused with Exotic House of Wax, which is very, very different. Or so I'm told.

El Yo has returned from his journeys, so I'm sure there will be much fewer zombies and much more Comedy Central, which is not evil in the least. Hence, villainy in retirement. At least until Pinata 2.