Ingredients: that apple no one's going to eat because the skin's too tough, the end of a jar of pitted sour cherries, oats (food of the gods), 2/3 stick of butter, brown sugar, cinnamon, powdered cloves

1. Preheat oven to 350.


2. Peel and chop the apple into a small bread tin.


3. Add the cherries on top. Add that fabulous sour-cherry juice they come packed in.


4. In a small bowl, chop butter stick into "chunks". Add 3 handfuls of oats, a bunch of brown sugar, a splash of cinnamon and a healthy splash of cloves. The only people who don't bake fruit-foo with cloves are Communists.


5. Wash your hands again. Mix oats, sugar, spices and butter into rough chunks.


6. Feed El Yo sugar-encrusted butter chunk.


7. Pour butter-sugar mixture over fruit. Pop that sucker in the oven for 30 minutes.


8. Start watching Bubba Ho-Tep. Realize it's not so much a horror movie about mummies as a horror movie about old folks homes. Bum.


9. Pause movie to take out fruit crisp. Take two bowls and start with a scoop of butterscotch swirl ice cream. Add the hot crisp on top so that the ice cream gets all melty. Wonder how many retirement homes serve ice cream.


10. Return to movie. Cry a little at the ending, even though it's a horror movie.

Serves two.