My sister, the lovely and accomplished Deadly Meringue, has jetted off to Vegas this week for a wedding. Not hers, as she alighted from a bread van nearly 6 years ago to win the heart (and legal complicity) of Mr Right Deadly. No, instead she's attending the wedding of one of Mr Deadly's friends, and this gala includes the bachelorette to-do, for which she (Deadly M) has been asked to provide "inspirational tips on marriage".

I personally thought she'd be a whiz at this, and bust out a few pages based on her experience, but as she confided to me on the phone Sunday, this is harder than it looks. I find this puzzling, as The Deadly M is a wealth of relationship advice, especially in the arena of place setting patterns and geographical location. So I figure I'll try to return the favor.

Now gods know I'm not now or ever have been married, but I don't feel that should stop me from providing my very own Inspirational Tips. I'm always happy to help out in any way I can, or any way I can't. It's the thought that counts.

Inspirational Tips for (Not) Being Married:

• It's the thought that counts.



• Put down the hammer.



• Ugly plates can be bought and then dropped in a myriad of kitchen mishaps.



• Put down the high-heeled shoe.



• Get pets. Long after your (non)spouse's eyes glaze over at the minutiae of your day, dogs, cats and rabbits are all fascinated by what the wicked women at the copier said. Especially if you're petting them (the pets) at the time. The only exception to this rule is fish, who are much too busy with their secret underwater dramas to have time for your babbling. Rabbits, on the other hand, will always want to know more about that pair of shoes you bought. Most often they will want to know if said shoes are chewable, but it's the thought that counts.



• It's totally unimportant what color the towels are. It is however, vitally important that said towels not be moldy or sour. Ditto for the shower curtain. Remember, even if your (non)spouse wants bright blue hand-towels with pink petunias, you will spend a majority of the time in that bathroom thinking and doing things that don't involve petunias. Lighten up, Francis.



• Learn to knit, so then you don't mind watching The Router Workshop. Purl like the wind!



• Jewelry is overrated. You just have to worry about losing it and remembering to list it on the homeowner's insurance. Ditto for firearms.



• It's the thought that counts.

Have fun in the sun, Deadly!