Addendum: Okay y'all, it's like this: If you choose to have a C-section for any reason, as long as it's your choice, then rock on. Have it C-sectionally or vaginally or hell, even nasally if you can swing it. My beef is not with C-sections or moms who choose them. The operative word here is "choose" rather than "be coerced by a choir of high-kicking medical staff singing the Doom Song while you're going through a Momentous Time." Do your thing, Moms. Medical staff? Knock it off.

"Ginny Solomon is beating the odds. Despite her advanced maternal age and a tendency among older mothers to deliver via C-section, she's about to give birth vaginally. She must be stopped."

--"Babies: Special Delivery"

The Discovery Health Channel wants you. Specifically, they want you to have a baby and/or be scared out of your wits by the process. Mostly depending on gender. They have this horrible show called "Babies: Special Delivery", where they fly around the country and find mothers whose babies are trying to kill them from the inside, and film the births. It's absolutely terrifying.

Most of the terror comes from the fact that all the hospital staff really want these women to have Caesarians. Elevated blood pressure? Caesarian? Twins? Oh Caesarian, definitely. Feet hurt? Nose itch? Emergency Caesarian! "It may already be too late." This show means one of two things. One, most hospital staff prefer women have Caesarians, for a variety of reasons, or two, birth kills The most dangerous item in your home is obviously a vagina.

And I can't stop myself watching it. One episode, which involved a large baby, a small stomach and anesthesia that wore off too quickly, just looked so painful and Original Alien Movie that I started hollering along with the mom, backed up as far as I could get against the edge of the sofa, hollering alternately into the phone at The Evil Twin (who was laughing hysterically, what with being a midwif-to-be) and just hollering, until El Yo ran in and changed the channel. Now he runs in and changes the channel as soon as he hears the narrator's voice.

"12 hours ago, Nicky came in for routine non-stress tests. Now she's about to go under the knife." This was a typical Special Delivery moment. This poor lady came in for a check-up and all of a sudden she's At Risk and must have a Caesarian. The conversations went like this:

Medical staff: "Ma'am, I know you're really stressed out and hormonal, but I'd like to induce you anyway."
Pregnant Lady: "Um, well..."
Medical staff: "Great! Let's induce!"

And then the contractions started and all of a sudden the baby's heartbeat decelerates with each contraction. Okay, now that is worrisome, very worrisome. But even I know that there's a variety of reasons this could occur. However all of the medical staff hovered around this woman, repeating, "It could be because the baby's cord is around its neck! The cord! Around its neck! Caesarian! Neck! Cord!" It was an all-MD Greek chorus with Asperger's. Why are the people who most need anti-anxiety meds obviously not taking them?

And this poor woman's having contractions and out of her mind on hormones now surrounded by crazed Ob-Gyn staff who are convinced, just convinced that the baby's cord is wrapped around its neck. So they drug her up (mostly. That shit doesn't look comfortable, regardless) and chop her open and lo and behold, the baby's cord is nowhere near its neck. In fact, the baby is fine.

I think if I was pregnant I would a) want a homebirth, and b) if I was god forbid, in the hospital, I'd want a Designated Puncher. I want someone who is not pregnant to stand by my side the whole time and run interference between my pregnant self and the Caesarian-crazed staff.

Medical Staff: "When you feel some pressure, you'll know it's time for a Caesarian, in fact....it's six o'clock, and studies have shown that women who give birth vaginally at six o'clock experience moderate to severe decapitation, so you obviously need a Caesarian."
Pregnant Me: "Um, what the..."
Designated Puncher: "Wait! Hold it right there. That makes no sense. Medical Staff?"
Medical Staff: "Yes?"
Designated Puncher: *ka-POW!*
Medical Staff: *ow* "Okay, vaginal birth. In fact, go home and take this punching person with you before I wrap a cord around her neck!"
Pregnant Me and Designated Puncher:"Thanks. Bye."

Aaaaaand Scene.