Q1. "List your most significant accomplishments or contributions since last year. How do these achievements align with the goals/objectives outlined in your prior annual review."

This quasi-grammatical set of statements is really and truly the first question on my self-evaluation form, due today, at my workplace. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I ate the Puritans, spat up their bones and assimilated all their work ethic, Highlander-style. I get there early, I stay late, I bring work home to do in front of movies and I wake up at 3 in the morning stressing about the work that hasn't gotten done. For my 29th birthday, I got an ulcer.

And today, filling out the self-evaluation form in my very cluttered, tchotchke-free cubicle by the window, I duly listed all my accomplishments and all the ways I'd done not only my job but the jobs of like, 2 other people (*burp*). In higher pay grades. Like the guy in my department with half the experience and half the education. And I'm typing this all out into the neat little boxes, and my evaluation form has gone to 5 pages on 6 questions and then I slammed to a halt on this:

Q5. Describe areas you feel require improvement in terms of your professional capabilities. List the steps you plan to take and/or the resources you need to accomplish this.

That's always a tough one, isn't it? Because it's so tempting to just put "N/A" and move on. You could be really truthful and say "I need to stop updating my online journal from work" but usually what happens is that you make something up that sounds rational but also non-problematic. And I typed up this whole paragraph about how I need to be more efficient at processing patients and do less socializing with them (note: I have spent an hour in the clinic just listening to stories about tomatoes. I think it might be a Vermont thing.) and then I realized that I really didn't want to say that. I don't think it's true. I don't think I need to speed up the patients. They enjoy yapping with me. I enjoy hearing about tomatoes. It's a win-win situation. Seriously, if you're going to show up and be poked and prodded for the good of science alone, wouldn't you rather do it in a friendly, low-stress situation than with someone who just wanted to get it over with? Who just wanted to process you along down the line, viewing you as nothing more than a little McDonald's hamburger?

So I erased it all. But that left me back at N/A. What to do what to do. I just spent five other pages quantifying empirically how much ass I've kicked in the past 12 months, so it seems kind of at-odds to then take this little space and say, "Except for the fact that I suck." And then I started thinking, which is always a bad idea but especially when filling out work self-evaluation forms. How could I really improve in this job? What are the problems with this job?

Meanwhile, the Universe had take it upon itself to doink me in the head. I find that this is generally pretty normal behavior for the Universe. Ask a question, pay attention, get the answer. Spend too long puzzling over the answer and voila! Doinked in the head with the answer. And it always pays to listen to the Universe, because a) that's just polite if someone/thing takes the time to answer your questions and b) because failing to pay attention the first time can result in the Universe looking in its kit bag for other things to throw at your head. And this is the U n i v e r s e we're talking about. It doesn't shop at Walmart. For messengers it can use such diverse yet effective objects as lightning, migraines and coed adult recreational soccer. So pay attention.

Anyway. Self-evaluation. In my email at this time arrived a link to this article. Which raises a lot of valid points. I read it through a couple times and then answered Q5.

"The one area where I would like to focus improvement is in leaving work at work. I tend to let problems with the workplace or with my workload follow me home and wake me up at 3 am. Last year I worked two full weeks of overtime and took no vacation. The net result of this pattern is that I am more easily upset by work-related drama and feel obligated to perform superhuman amounts of work. I plan to combat this by taking a yoga class and using up my vacation days. Preferably out of state away from a phone line. "

In the grand scheme of things, it is small. It is nowhere near the type of revolution being advocated in the article. My supervisor will probably chalk it up to youthful vigor, even though I turn 31 in a few weeks. It will probably also mean that Overpaid Dude continues to make way more than me on the strength of his penis charisma alone.

But it is one step in the right direction, one step towards leaving all the clutter on the desk this weekend and finally getting a good night's sleep.

Next up: sailing lessons!