American Olympic commentating is hitting a new low.

Yes, we're still talking about the Olympics. We'll be talking about the Olympics for the couple weeks, because O-LYM-PICS! HuhZAH!

And a part of the draw for me truly is the American commentating, which never disappoints in its active pursuit of cringeworthy television. Take for instance, the curling, where, in a bid to liven up the curl-talking, NBC had on the grand poobah of international curling, who is 87, and Scandinavian, and presumably Very Important to Curling. And after some desultory smalltalk wherein the NBC commentator displayed just how little of the preparatory material he'd read last night before taking off for the bars, he handed the Grand Poobah of Curling a, AND I QUOTE, Official NBC Curling Breakfast Roll. No lie. El Yo was there. He will verify. The commentator then whipped out a roll with a curved baguette hanging out one side, and slid it across the desk to the Grand Poobah.

And damn if he didn't comment, "Eh, it looks a little sexy!" At which point the NBC commentator lunged across the desk to the camera and screamed "Commercials! For the love of god go to commercial! Help!"

We can show Rambo uncut in this country, but for the love of the one true gun-toting NRA-lifetime-member GOD, homosexual tension between an octogenarian and a deformed pastry is so far out of bounds that it makes Janet Jackson's nipple look tame. Hoo-yah!

Also, this new Mary person, commentating on the figure skating? Is awesome. She brings out everyone's inner bitch, and they will make the meanest and least appropriate comments ever in her presence.

She went to coffee with one of the male figure skaters and his mom, and called him a jock. At which point he shrieked with horror and exclaimed, "Please! I am an artist! Not a jock! The word jock makes me think of football players in skintight spandex!" And then she asked him about his family and he told her that since they were mean to him when he wasn't an Olympian, now that he was an Olympian, they could all just suck it.

Back to you, Scott.

Speaking of which, Scott is losing his voice on Day Two of the figure skating. Hello NBC? Do you not have minions? Can the minions not speak enough Italian to go out and buy lozenges? Can they not figure out European hotel rooms enough to make him tea with honey? NBC, you are a major network. Get qualified minions to take care of Mr Hamilton.

Someone email me and tell me who this Mary is. I love her. She asked Scott about how bad high school was. She calls Canadians "you people". She calls the costumes "frou-frou". She obviously was never a figure skater, and she is perfectly content to plant herself in the middle of the commentating and get out a big ole' spoon and start poking. Hi, I've never done what you people do and it looks easy. Are you a communist? Am I making you uncomfortable? Here, let me scoot closer.

I will watch for Mary alone. Dick? Button it. I want more Mary.

Well played, NBC. Well played.