"You'd think [Wells Fargo] were still dealing with paper checks. Hauled by oxcart."

"Oh yeah, we're all kinds of evil. You get a pen all situated the way you like it, with your own Very Special Poo and everything, and we just up and move you into the Other Bunny's Space!"

"The spousal unit is the youngest of three children and so used to being somewhat bossed around gently guided. Our conflicts tend to arise when he forgets that I Am Queen of the World and that He Is My Peon. (You would think that after all these years together that this notion would be firmly affixed in his consciousness, but he still shows amazing amounts of free will despite my best efforts to snuff it out.)"

"The other day while watching a movie Cole told me that he was going to pee in the bad guy's eye."

itsgwynne: I saw a girl with "Daddy's Girl" appliqued on the ass and I almost had a seizure
sushiesque: eeeehhhhhnjhsdjqdwkjuw
itsgwynne: exactly.
sushiesque: I am slowly learning not to look at other people.

"He started talking about Christianity, about his faith, and that's when I started to think it again: I want to burn my whole life down and start over again. (The controlled burn is always the image that comes to mind: scraping my whole life into a messy pile, sloshing a bit of kerosene over the heap, striking a bold match and dropping it as I turn away. And then, later, as the smoke clears, finding out who was strong enough to survive the flames, finding out who gets invited back to my second life.)"

" Baby. Do your wheels come off?"

"As a Christmas present to myself, I bought up a bunch of used Maida Heatter cookbooks, and I am here to tell you that her Palm Beach Brownies are just insane, like that feeling you get when you're in your early twenties and find yourself talking to a checkout boy named Angel at Kragen's Auto Supply and suddenly you notice the incredible length of his eyelashes, and it's the kind of noticing that comes with an ache in your stomach that feels a little like missed breakfast only much better because it's in concert with a strange sort of tightening along the backs of your thighs. Like that, only in your mouth."

"Lunch Options Sign for a country store outside of Woodland, California: Burgers Mexican Food Live Bait"

"So I know you are all anxious to hear about the Twenty Lobster Office Technique but first a word about snowmelt."

"I’m sorry, but I would need a moment, like two years and 4 months, to get my bearings. You cheated on me. I take care of your baby all day. You cheated on me! Let me just get this straight. You want to hold hands on national television right after the “mishap.” You know what, I’ll just be at the house thinking, burning your clothes, eating Ambien, conjuring up black magic and I’ll talk to you in a bit honey, okay. Yeah, and don’t forget to eat shit and die on your way out! I just don't understand the concept of cheating. If you don't want to be monogamous, say so and move on and get all the ladies and be sure to send them each a pendant, a trinket of some sort once you’re done since you’ve got the petty cash. Be a gentleman about the shit if you’re going to be a man whore. If you do want to be monogamous, then shack up and get it cracking. Fix my car. I’ll rub your shoulders. You tell me I smell great. I tell you you’re the shit, and let’s do this. Hillary Clinton held hands too. I’m sorry, but I would have to take my babies and bounce and be like don’t forget to send that alimony check fool. I’ll be at my mom’s. "

"And incidentally, no, socks are not the larval form of wire hangers. Paperclips are the larval form of coathangers, which later emerge from their closets as bicycles."